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Everyday

Saturday, December 20th, 2008 @ 4:52 pm | Audio, Blog

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In a way he never thought himself before, he threw himself on the couch “I feel fantastic today”, and with a punch back of wine his dreams were out cold. Something or other, the pathetic stains on his shirt, the vomit on the carpet, his tear filled shot glasses.. “I feel alive today!”, with a click and a bang….

I can’t remember what time it was, it was dark outside in December, does that count for anything? I had grown accustomed to this obnoxious habit of drinking by myself, and rambling in no simple terms to the ones I convinced myself I still loved. Yeah, I’m that kind of drunk.

Whiskey and Brandy, broken glass and cigarette butts strewn across my floor like leaves in Fall. The more I drink, the less I’ll have to worry about this mess when I’m sober, whenever that may come. I’m locked in here now, by my own depression and lack of free will, locked in this apartment, hands tied to this notebook. The whole while I’m trying to tell this girl through broken text messages that I had a few pills too many, that I don’t want to wake up.

But of course I will, and through a rebirth of loneliness and depression, the cycle will begin again.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”, there is a half naked stripper rubbing my back. What does that even mean? ‘Half-naked’, as if the miniskirt and thong really hid anything from the imagination.

“Because I broke her heart once already”, it was true and I hated myself for it. I don’t know what it is about me in strip clubs, but I open my mouth and tears start flowing out of these girls like blood during… well you get the point.

I put a few 20’s on the bar, and waltzed myself out into the parking lot. I come here to think, and now I just want to run away from those memories. “GET OUT OF MY HEAD”, I’m screaming at the hallucination riding in my passenger seat. Squeezing my eyes together, she’s gone, only a whisper “I just don’t love you anymore”.

Hours went by, I sped into the black of night down country roads I’d never seen before. ‘Babe I’m Gonna Leave You’ was playing through my stereo, I turned the volume knob up, trying to drown the echo out of my mind.

I had the windows rolled down, trying to let the breeze suffocate me, and on I drove into the late night fog. All I could think about was her telling me about the new boyfriend, “I found someone better”, I put my foot down on the gas harder. “He told his friends they could sleep with me to see how good it is” I gripped the steering wheel, my nails dug into my palms leaving crescent moons of blood. Why did she… these are images that will follow me till death… “I do still care about you” I think that hurt the most.

She doesn’t, she just needs to tell herself that in case something does happen to me, she will think I died knowing there was still a place somewhere in that cold heart of hers for me. “I love you”, my drunken lips motioned without a sound.

NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD”, I think I was crying. The louder the music got, the clearer my hallucination was, in my rear view mirror, in the passenger seat, her hand on mine, her laugh, strands of hair in my face. “NO”, I threw her hand off mine, and tried to wipe the nervous shame from my face, “Forget about her”.

Don’t you hear it calling me back home?

“AHHHHHHH” I’m screaming, pounding my fists on the steering wheel, sucking down a cigarette as hard as I could, trying to choke her out, drown her out, anything. I just wanted to feel alive again..

It hit me suddenly, I cranked the volume all the way up, popped 2 codeines “Cause goddammit this is going to hurt”, and jerked the steering wheel to the left. The car swerved, hydroplaned, for a good 50 feet on the wet road, “GET OUT” , just trying to erase memories…

 

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